Couch Potatoes
by Miss Puar
Summary: Principal Kelly hires a new psychiatrist. Too bad his first patients are the BoM! COMPLETED!!!
1. The Doctor Is In

Disclaimer: Ever notice how everyone writes these? Maybe the computers are subliminally forcing us to do stuff, just like in 1984 and *NERPT* Help! Thought police! 

Note: I've succumbed to the dark side and created an original character (if changing the name of a late psychoanalyst counts as original). I just figured it was easier to pick on a dead guy because what's he gonna do- use skeletal powers?

  
  


COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER ONE

  
  


Principal Kelly drummed his fingers nervously on his desk. 'Where is that blasted psychiatrist?' he thought angrily. 'He's 43 minutes late and does he care? Of course not! Nobody cares about poor Edward Kelly!' A loud knock at the door prevented him from further wallowing in self-pity.

"Greetinks, Principal Kelly." an eldery man with a bushy white bread and thick German accent swung the door open and smiled warmly at Principal Kelly.

'He just waltzes in here, without my consent! What a jerk!' Kelly thought bitterly. Aloud, he said "Come in, come in. Have a seat". He gestured to an empty chair. "Dr. Fraud, I presume?"

"Ja, dat's me. Dr. Sidney Fraud, ze new zychiatrist." Dr. Fraud beamed and thrust out his hand, but Kelly refused to shake. "I am so eegzited to be vorking here. I haf heard much about zis school." Fraud added.

"Oh?" Kelly didn't like the direction this conversation was going. He wasn't sure WHAT Dr. Fraud had been told about Bayville High (or its principal) but he was willing to bet it wasn't good.

"Ja. Ze tinks dey tell me of Bayveel! Zuch an intristink place, wit zuch intristink zoodents and facoolty." At this point, Kelly gave Dr. Fraud a look that clearly said 'If you don't shut up I'm gonna kick your Green Card carrying ass back to Germany!'. Fraud, however, took no notice and continued talking. "Anyvay, I can't vait to start my job here. I look forvard to seeing all ze zoodents in private zessions. I feel dat is ze best vay to get to know somevun, nein? I hav evertink planned out. Ve'll begin introductory zessions wit vord azzociation, Rorschach ink blots, and graphology assessment in order to zuccessfully determine ze proper diagnosis and treatment of ze..."

'Right now, I should be spending time with my good friend José Cuervo, but nooo!!! Mr. High-And-Mighty-I-Got-My-PhD-At-Harvard-And-You-Had-To-Settle-For-Williams is going on and on about some stupid psychobabble and all I can do is smile and nod even though inside, I'm screaming.' Kelly felt his blood pressure beginning to rise. If that pretentious psychiatrist kept this up, he didn't think he could keep from punching him in the nose.

"Zo, vhat joo dink?" Fraud asked. Kelly noted that he STILL had that same idiotic smile on his face.

Not wanting to admit that he hadn't been listening, Kelly responded with a quick "I think that's a marvelous idea."

"Vunderbar! I'm so hoppy! Most principals do not agree to have a zession wit me, but here joo are, so villing! I'll schedule you from three to four, ja?" Fraud said as he pulled out an appointment book and penciled Kelly's name in. "Vat say ve haf a liddle look around ze campus, mein vriend!" Fraud called out merrily as he left Kelly's office.

Principal Kelly stood there, dumbfounded. The realization that he had just agreed to spend an hour with a shrink had hit him like a ton of bricks. He sighed, and began following the good doctor. 'Can this day possibly get any worse?' he wondered. As it turns out, it could.

  
  



	2. Crime And Punishment

COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER TWO

  
  


Kelly groaned. Giving Dr. Fraud the grand tour was going to be a living nightmare. Fraud kept commenting on how 'vunderbar' his new job was, how he loved challenges, and how he felt confident that they could really connect with Kelly during their hour session. And if he didn't wipe that moronic grin off his face, well.. Principal Kelly wouldn't be responsible for his actions.

"Joo are so lucky to be vorking wit teenagers. I haf dreamt of zis day for years." Dr. Fraud told him.

Principal Kelly stared at him. He was beginning to think that the doctor was the one who needed counseling. How anyone could actually LIKE kids was beyond him. 'I should have known he was crazy. Why else would he want to work here? No wonder Principal. Darkholme just left without a moment's notice. I don't blame her! Blue demons, slime, earthquakes every other day.." Kelly's thought were interrupts by the sounds of giggling schoolgirls.

"Zuch hoppy zooodents joo haf! Zere laughter, it rings through ze halls and into mein heart." Fraud remarked

"What now?" Kelly muttered. He turned the corner and what he saw made him stop dead in his tracks. A silver-haired boy dressed in a red-and-white striped carny outfit was holding up a large, leather bound book bearing the title 'Drunk As A Skunk And Twice As Smelly: The Tell-All Memoirs Of Principal Kelly'.

"Step-right-up-folks-and-buy-the-biography-of-Bayville's-biggest-blowhard! I-hold-in-my-hands-hundreds-of-hours-of-pure-pleasure-yours-for-only-$19.95! With-your-purchase-you-will-be-given-a-complimentary-bottle-of-Maximoff's-Magic-Mousse-a-patented-Pietro-product-that's-perfect-for-preparing-sensational-styles-in-seconds-satisfaction-guaranteed!" Pietro announced dramatically.

"MR. MAXIMOFF!" Kelly roared. "What are you up to? You can't just peddle that unauthorized autobiography!"

"Au-contraire." Pietro said with a smile as he pulled out a piece of paper. "Form 24/C-entitles-me-to-start-my-own-small-business..."

"I don't care about any stupid forms!" Kelly hollered as he picked up a copy of the book. "This is libel! Half this stuff isn't even true!"

"Perhaps-you'd-like-to-discuss-that-matter-with-my-secretary-Miss-Smith." Pietro snapped his fingers and instantly a blonde girl wearing an extremely low-cut suit and fake glasses appeared at his side. "Tabitha-dearest-would-you-be-so-kind-as-to-explain-the-legal-formalities-to-this-rather-uninformed-ignoramus?"

"With pleasure, Speedy. You see sir, this can all be traced back to the case of Standford Vs. The State, circa..." Tabitha began.

"Interestink." commented Fraud as he began scribbling in his notebook. 

"I can't believe this..." Kelly moaned. "I simply can't believe this..."

"Principal Kelly! Principal Kelly!" a small voice called out. "You have to come to the biology lab right away! It's an emergency!"

Kelly turned and faced the student. He recognized her right away, it was Taryn, one of the cheerleaders. 'I wonder what fascinating emergency she could possibly have.' he thought dryly. 'Perhaps one of her pom-poms is missing. Oh well, anything to get away from those luna- oh no!'

Kelly stared in utter disbelief at the science department. Two students he knew all too well were marching up and down the halls, holding picket signs that read 'Frogs Are People Too'.

"Mr. Tolansky! Mr. Dukes! What in blazes is going on here?!" Kelly demanded.

"Injustice, that's what's going on, yo!" Toad Tolansky cried out indignantly. "Ain't that right, Fred?"

Fred nodded. "Injustice." he agreed.

"What are you talking about? What injustice?" Kelly screamed.

"They want us to kill frogs, yo! We'll be murderers!" Toad was almost hysterical now."They're already dead." Kelly reasoned. "You won't be killing them, you'll be studying them."

"Tell it to the judge!" Toad hollered.

"Please boys, settle down..." Kelly begged.

"1,2,3,4, We won't take it anymore!" Toad yelled.

"5,6,7,8, You're the one that we all hate!" Fred added.

"Oh, for the love of..." Kelly muttered. At that moment, the silhouette of a leather-clad teen appeared in the window.

"Look, it's Lance!" Freddy cried. He waved his arms excitedly. "Hey buddy, how's it going?"

"What the?! MISTER ALVERS! What do you think you're doing?" Kelly bellowed. He had just spotted Lance's latest 'masterpiece'. Right underneath the Bayville High billboard the words 'Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here' had been scrawled in gigantic red letters. 

Lance turned around and glared at Freddy. "Nice going, Freddy." Lance grumbled. He climbed the landing and slipped back into the school, still holding a spraypaint bottle in his hands.

"My school is NOT a concentration camp!" growled Kelly.

"Could've fooled me." Lance groused.

"Interestink." remarked Fraud.

"Where did you come from?" Kelly asked Dr. Fraud. "Never mind, just keep quiet Alright, listen up! Will Mr. Alvers, Mr. Dukes, Mr. Maximoff, Mr. Tolansky, and Miss Smith report to my office now!!!" he ordered.

"Whatever you say, Mein Fuhrer." Lance gave a mock-salute and began goose-stepping towards Kelly's office. Toad and Freddy both laughed and then took off after Lance. They were joined shortly by Pietro and Tabitha, who were now wearing their regular school clothing. At the end of the line was a very excited Dr. Fraud.

Kelly shook his head as everyone filed in. It was definitely going to be an 'interestink' day.

  
  



	3. Until We Meet Again...

COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER THREE

"Of all the idiotic, irresponsible.. oh, you five are really going to get it this time! Let's see, detention? No, too moderate. Suspension? No, too common. Deportation? No, too expensive.. and all that red tape..." Kelly was pacing back and forth in his office. "I've got to think..."

"First time for everything, yo!" Toad quipped.

"Capital punishment?" Kelly threatened. "No, too enjoyable, er too illegal..."

"Perhaps ze zoodents haf some ideas?" Fraud suggested.

"Why are you still here?" demanded Kelly.

"Research." Fraud explained.

"Where did I go wrong?" Kelly wondered aloud.

"I just thought of something!" cried Freddy.

"Did-it-hurt?" jeered Pietro.

"A little." Freddy admitted. "But it was worth it! Here's the plan, see: Kelly, you can force me to eat a dozen blueberry pies!" he declared.

"How is that a punishment?" asked Kelly.

"I prefer cherry."Freddy said.

Kelly groaned and rubbed his temples. "Aspirin." he muttered.

"That won't work." Lance informed him. "Believe me, I know migraines. Now what you need is some Tylenol."

"I don't have any Tylenol!" Kelly snapped.

"Then use tobacco." Lance replied.

"I don't condone cigarette smoking!" Kelly spat.

"Hey, don't knock it til you've tried it. I tell you, there ain't a single problem that can't be solved without the assistance of my buddy Nick O'Tine!" Lance asserted. And with that, he whipped out a fresh pack and began puffing away.

"Look at you! Smoking in my office and with a flagrant disregard for authority! Have you no manners?" Kelly yelled. Lance responded by flicking cigarette ash at Kelly's hair. "And don't use my toupee... er, head as an ashtray!" Principal Kelly ordered.

"Then what am I 'sposed to use?" Lance countered.

"I give up!" Kelly exclaimed as he turned around. Tabby used the opportunity to swipe his wallet, but unfortunately she was caught. "Miss Smith!" Kelly bellowed. "What are you doing with my wallet?!"

"Wallet? What wallet? Who's got a wallet?" Tabby feigned innocence.

"Don't play dumb with me, you little.." roared Kelly.

"Heads up, Toady!" Tabby called out as she tossed the wallet.

"Got it, yo." laughed Toad and before Kelly knew what had happened, he was caught up in a game of Monkey-In-The-Middle. Meanwhile, Freddy had discovered Kelly's secret stash of Snickers and was happily chowing down, Pietro took advantage of Kelly's confusion and ran off, and Lance was busily turning Kelly's vacation postcard of Mount Rushmore into Mount Kitopia. 

Fraud surveyed the scene carefully. "I vunder..." he said softly.

"Don't let hunger happen to you!" Freddy declared triumphantly as he scarfed down another candy bar.

"Kitty..." Lance purred. His eyes were glued to his latest handiwork.

"Yo, great pass, Tabby!" Toad commented.

"Thanks." Tabby winked. "I liked yours, too." she added. Toad blushed.

"I WANT MY WALLET!" Kelly whined.

"You can have it, yo." Toad was surprisingly compliant as he handed Kelly the wallet.

"It's about time." Kelly grumbled.

"Ja! It's pervect! A vunderous idea!" Fraud announced. Instantly, everyone turned and faced him.

"What's perfect?" snapped Kelly.

"Zem! Zey are ze pervect zubjects for mein new study on yoovenile delinkents!" Fraud explained.

"Back off, buddy! I'm no guinea pig!"snarled Lance.

"Well, I'm game. It sounds like a blast." Tabby grinned wickedly.

"I'm in too, yo." Toad agreed..

"Is a 'delinkent' like a delicatessen?" Freddy wondered.

"Vunderbar! Now, I must find zat udder boy, zen we get started, ja?" Fraud beamed. "Coom on zoodents. Follow me!"

"Tell you what. Why don't you guys just get started without me? I'll catch up." Lance said as he attempted to side-step Dr. Fraud.

"Joo are a foony kid. I like foony kids." Fraud told him.

"Help me out here. What kind of kids DON'T you like?" asked Lance.

"Foony kid. Zuch a foony kid." Fraud repeated. He turned to the others. "Achtung, everybody!" 

Obediently, the Brotherhood trudged after him, with a reluctant Lance bringing up the rear. They hadn't gone far before an angry voice hollered, "Wait a minute! This wallet's empty!" Needless to say, their pace greatly increased.

  
  



	4. Analyze This!

COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER FOUR 

  
  


Pietro Maximoff had really gone to town during the past hour. He had loosened all the wheels on Evan's skateboard, managed to give Risty a quick peck, written 'I believe in Blue Demons' in Christmas lights on Kelly's roof, slipped Lance's secret songbook into Kitty's locker, replaced Kurt's holowatch with a Timex, and told ten different girls that they were his 'one and only'. He was just planning his next plot (it involved breaking into the Computer Lab and 'touching up' a few photos) when the gang caught up with him.

"Zee? I knew ve'd find heem.!" Fraud said happily.

"Pietro!" Freddy cheered. Toad and Tabby took up the cry, but Lance remained as silent as stone. Freddy clapped Pietro on the back. "Where ya been, buddy?"

Thinking quickly, Pietro slid the skeleton key in his jeans pocket. "Pit-stop." he lied.

"You spent half an hour in the bathroom, Speedy?" Tabby asked incredulously.

"Hey-they-just-cleaned-the-mirrors." Pietro said with a shrug.

"So-I'm-sure-you-want-to-check-that-out-some-more-right? Of-course-I'm-right. Here's-an-idea. Why-don't-we-all-go? Make-it-a-party. You-get-the-chips-and-dip-I-provide-the-music-lotsa-dancin'-lotsa-drinkin'-yessiree-we're-gonna-have-one-hell-of-a-party." Lance was babbling incoherently.

"Exactly what kind of cigarettes HAVE you been smoking, yo?" wondered Toad.

"You okay, Rocky?" Tabby looked genuinely concerned.

"Who-me? I'm-fine. Why-do-you-ask? I'm-perfectly-fine. Not-crazy. Nope-definitely-not-crazy. 100%-certifiably-sane. Ask-anyone. Good-ole-level-headed-Lance-they'll-say. Average-Alvers-that's-what-they-call-me." Lance said nervously.

Pietro stared at Lance. "Do-I-really-sound-like-that?" he mused. "No-of-course-not. I-sound-much-smarter. Handsomer-too."

"Settle down, Rocky. Take a deep breath. Think of your happy place." Tabby advised him. 

Lance pictured Scott Summers on a street corner, holding out a mug that read 'Alms For The Poor'. A shiny black Rolls Royce pulled up to the curb, and the back window rolled down. A very well-dressed older version of Lance (seated next to Kitty, who was clad in a Chanel dress complete with matching diamond necklace) tossed out a bottlecap. 'Bless you sir.' said the dream Scott. At that point, the car drove off, splattering Summers with mud. Both versions of Lance cackled maniacally.

"I tink I yoost found my first patient." Fraud announced.

Lance's fantasy ended abruptly. "Why single me out?" he demanded.

"Could-it-be-because-you've-been-acting-like-a-complete-psycho?" sneered Pietro.

"I'm sure it's because he's going in alphabetically order." Tabby assured Lance.

"Ja. She's right. I alvays start vit, the A's." Fraud agreed.

"Oh, sure. That's what you want me to think!" Lance spat.

"Joo really are a foony kid. Coom dis vay, Mistuh Alvuhs." Fraud gestured to a nearby room.

"I'm an orphan so I'm property of the state and you can't harm me! In fact you can't even come near me!" Lance cried.

"Joor an orphen? How faszinatink. Joo must tell me about it." Fraud said warmly.

"I plead the fifth!" hollered Lance. 

"Yoost step inside and ve'll begin." Fraud instructed him.

"No! You won't take me without a fight! My spirit refuses to be broken!" Lance ranted.

"Zit down. You'll feel better." Fraud said as he coaxed Lance inside.

"I won't feel better. You're lying!" Lance was now shouting at the top of his lungs.

Fraud closed the door gently. "Zere. Now, eezn't dis nicer?" he smiled warmly.

"It is not nicer! What have you done? Are we locked in?" Lance demanded.

"Nein, ve're not locked een. I yoost closed ze door for privacy." explained Fraud. "Now, relax, Mister Alvuhs. I'm yoost qoink to ask joo a few kvestions."

"What kind of questions?" Lance eyed him suspiciously.

"Don't vorry. Dey're vey zimple kvestions. First, vhen vere you born?" asked Fraud.

"What's it to you?" snapped Lance.

"Notink, really. I am only tryink to get to know you better Lanz. May I call joo Lanz?" Fraud asked.

"No." replied Lance.

"Dat's okay, Lan- er, Mistuh Alvuhs. Eet is naturally for a boy like you to.." Fraud was cut off.

"What do you mean 'a boy like me'? Are you saying there's something wrong with me?" Lance's voice rose.

"I didn't tink.. Er, I joost... I mean, perhaps anudder kvestion, ja? Or a game maybe?" offered Fraud.

"No." Lance flatly refused.

Fraud sighed. This was going nowhere. He decided to try a new strategy. "Dis von't take but a minute." he told Lance as he rummaged through a large box. Lance stared at him. Fraud emerged wearing a sock puppet. "Dis is Mistuh Socky. He vants to talk to you." 

"You have got to be kidding." said Lance.

Fraud ignored Lance's comment ans began speaking in a high falsetto. "My name ees Mistuh Socky and I vant you to be mein vriend, ja?" Dr. Fraud waved the puppet in Lance's face.

"Get away from me, you quack!" Lance yelled as he pushed Mr. Socky aside.

"Violence is a big no-no in Happy Land." pointed out Mr. Socky.

"To hell with Happy Land!" roared Lance.

"Svearing is also a big no-no in Happy Land." added Mr. Socky.

"Shove it, stinky." Lance snapped. "I'm outta here!"

"Please behaf joorself, Mistuh Alvuhs. Joo're startink to act a liddle out of orduh..." Mr. Socky began. 

"I'm not out of order, you're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order!" shouted Lance. The ground trembled violently, and Lance stormed out of the room.

After a few minutes, Fraud was able to collect himself. No doubt this had simply been one of Bayville's earthquakes. Kelly had said they were common. 'It vas probably a coincidenz' Fraud told himself. He poked his head out his office. The sound of a motor running could be heard in the background. The rest of the Brotherhood were still standing there, waiting expectantly. 

Freddy waddled towards him. "I'm next." he told Fraud. 

Fraud looked as though he was going to cry.


	5. Dinner And A Show

COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER FIVE

  
  


"I'm next." Freddy repeated.

Fraud wiped a tear away from his eye. "Hokay. I'll be right vit joo. Joost let me get mein act, er... tinks together, ja?" he pleaded.

"Sure. I'll wait." Freddy said obediently.

'At least dis vun is villink to coopurate.' Fraud thought. That calmed him down considerably, until... 

"FRAUD!" a voice yelled. 

Dr. Fraud winced. There was no mistaking it, only Principal Kelly could sound that sinister. 'Maybe he doozn't mean me.. Maybe he's talkink about soom oother Fraud.' he tried desperately to convince himself.

"I NEED TO SEE FRAUD!" Kelly yelled.

"Yo, I bet this is gonna be good." laughed Toad.

"I'll get the popcorn." said Freddy as the Brotherhood sat down to watch the adults argue.

Kelly stopped directly in front of Fraud at scowled at him. "Fraud, where is he? Where's that boy?" he demanded.

"Vhat boy?" Fraud asked innocently.

"Alvers! He was with you, wasn't he?" Kelly hissed.

"Vell, ve did haf a liddle zession." Fraud admitted.

"But he's gone, isn't he?" Kelly snarled.

Fraud gulped. "Vell, ja. There vas a teeny prooblem, and he did zort of leef, but..."

"I KNEW IT! Who else? Who else but that horrible hoodlum would stoop so low.. kids these days... why I oughtta.." sputtered Kelly.

"I'm sure vhatevuh it vas, it can be fixed." Fraud reasoned.

Kelly arched his eyebrows. "Oh, really? Well, I suppose YOU would know, wouldn't you, Mr. It's A Vunderbar Day In The Neighborhood? You've got all the answers, ja? Well, answer me this: what the hell do you do when a senior steals your car? Huh, what then? Spout a few German catchphrases and hope everything works out in the end? That's hardly a solution! I know, maybe I should stand there and takes notes so I can write a book on psychology that no one will ever WILLINGLY read!!!" he fumed. 

"Boot Principeel Kelly." Fraud argued. "I tried to reason vit ze boy."

"A likely story." Kelly snapped. "I should fire you right now."

"I need dis yob to stay in ze coontry! Please gif me anudder chance! I'll do bedder vit ze next child!" Fraud promised.

"See that you do, Fraud. Otherwise, you'll be saying 'Auf Wiedersehn' America!" barked Kelly. At that point, Fraud began bawling. Secure in the knowledge that he was no longer the most miserable man in school, Kelly stormed off.

"Bravo!" cheered Tabby. "A spirited performance all around. I give it two thumbs up! What say you, Speedy?"

"I-give-it-two-thumbs-down. I-felt-the-scene-was-lacking-something. Namely-me." Pietro explained. "Toad?"

"The popcorn was okay, but I would've preferred sumthin' crunchier, yo. Like beetles." said Toad. "Freddy?" 

"I'm confused. I thought it was 'sposed to be MY turn." Freddy pouted.

Fraud stopped sobbing and stared at the blonde behemoth. "Joo're right. I'm sorry." he apologized.

"Don't worry about it. I'll forgive you as soon as I get my lollipop." said Freddy.

"Lollipop?" Fraud looked at him blankly.

"Yeah, lollipop. All doctors give lollipops." Freddy stated matter-of-factly.

"I don't have any lollipops." Fraud told him.

"What? No wonder Lance left!" Freddy bellowed. "Why a doctor without a lollipop is like Pietro without a prank!" 

"Freddy-without-food." added Pietro.

"Toad without a smell!" teased Tabby.

"Tabby without make-up!" Toad shot back.

"Why you little--" Tabby began choking Toad.

"Guys!" whined Freddy. "What about my lollipop?"

Toad used the opportunity to slip out of Tabby's stranglehold. "D'oh!" she exclaimed.

"We'll help, yo. 'Member what we did with the frogs?" Toad quizzed Freddy.

Freddy thought for a moment. Finally he reached a conclusion. "We're gonna dissect the doctor?"

"No, but that wasn't a bad idea." laughed Toad. "We're gonna stage a protest, yo."

"Ooh." Tabby clapped her hands delightedly. "Can we sing?"

"Why not? Yo, Pietro can you get the costumes while we pick a song?" Toad asked.

"Only-if-I-get-the-solo." answered Pietro.

"You got it." said the Brotherhood. Pietro zipped inside Fraud's office and came back carrying the doctor's trunk.

"How did joo dat that?" marveled Fraud.

"Trade-secret." replied Pietro while he set the box down.

"Wow. This stuff is pretty neat." remarked Freddy as he searched through the box. He picked up a curly wig and put it on. "How do I look?"

Pietro grinned wickedly. "Guys-I-just-got-yet-another-one-of-my-perfect-plans. Listen-up!" he whispered something to the rest of the Brotherhood.

"Awesome idea, yo!" laughed Toad.

"Of-course-it-was-awesome. I-thought-of-it." Pietro said airily.

"Ready, boys?" asked Tabby.

"Ready!" they replied. Each member donned a wig to match Freddy's.

"Mein gott. Vhat ARE dey doink?" wondered Fraud.

"I've-thrown-away-my-toys-even-my-drums-and-trains. I-wanna-make-some-noise-with-real-live-aeroplanes. Someday-I'm-going-to-fly-I'll-be-a-pilot-too-and-when-I-do-how-would-you-like-to-be-my-crew..." Pietro crooned. 

"On the good ship lollipop, it's a sweet trip to the candy shop..." the BoM belted off-key.

Fraud buried his face in his hands. "Mudder told me dere'd be days leek dis." he sobbed.


	6. Ego, Therefore I Am

COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER SIX

  
  


"...All aboard for CANDYLAAAND." the BoM bellowed as badly as they could.

Fraud held his ears. "Enuff vith ze seengink!" he cried.

"But that was only the first verse, yo." Toad pointed out.

"And-my-second-solo-is-coming-up." added Pietro. 

Fraud groaned as Pietro cleared his throat. Singing was NOT Speedy's strongest suit. "Please stop seengink." he pleaded.

"This is a protest, yo. We ain't stopping 'til our demands are met." said Toad firmly.

"We want our lollipops and we want 'em now!" Freddy roared.

"I'll get joo lollipops as zoon as joo stop seengink." Fraud told them.

"Alright! This dude ain't half-bad, yo!" cheered Toad. "You got yourself a deal, yo. We'll cool it if we get candy."

"Besides, we need Rocky's guitar anyway." added Tabby.

"I know what you mean. I can't sing Acapulco." Freddy lamented.

Tabby rolled her eyes. "That's a capella." she corrected him.

"Whatever. We should tell Pietro he can stop singing." said Freddy. The others nodded. 

"On-the-Good-Ship-Lollipop-it's-a-night-trip-into-bed-you-hop." Pietro squawked.

"PIETRO!" yelled the others.

"Do-you-mind? I-happen-to-be-in-the-middle-of-my-concert!" Pietro snapped. "Now-where-was-I? Oh-yeah. And-dream-away-on-the-good-ship-lollipop!" 

"PIETRO!!!" they yelled again.

"Honestly-you-plebians-have-no-appreciation-for-us-artists." pouted Pietro. "I-doubt-if-I'll-ever-let-you-losers-have-the-privilege-of-speaking-to-me-again."

"Aww, cheer up buddy. We got great news." Freddy said with a smile. "The doctor's gonna get some lollipops."

"So?" Pietro seemed unimpressed.

"So... Fraud was going to take you with him to the store." Tabby blurted out.

"Vhat?" exclaimed Fraud.

"Just go with it." Tabby hissed. "Otherwise he'll be in one of his moods."

"Yo, Tabby, are you crazy?" demanded Toad. "Pietro in a candy store?"

"What's wrong with that?" asked Tabby.

"You ain't never seen him on a sugar high. It's not a pretty sight, yo." Toad explained. "Do yourself a favor Doc and don't take him."

"No, take him with you." advised Tabby. "It's his turn anyway."

"Freddy never really had a turn." Toad pointed out.

"Let me get this straight: you don't want Pietro in a candy store, but you think it's a good idea to let Freddy in? And you called me crazy!" laughed Tabby.

"Yo, I never said he should take Freddy. I just said it was his turn." Toad said testily.

"I don't think it matters whose turn it is, Toady." said Tabby. "Speedy's already decided." Sure enough, Pietro had grabbed Fraud's arm and was pulling him away from the others.

"Mistuh Maximuff! Vhere are joo taking me?" asked Fraud.

"Don't-worry-Doc. Your-secret's-safe-with-me." said Pietro.

"Sekrit? Vhat sekrit?" Fraud was puzzled.

"Oh-come-now. That-lollipop-story-was-a-lie. You-don't-want-to-go-the-store-do-you?" asked Pietro.

"Vell, no. I vas hoping ve could talk in mein offiz." Fraud confessed.

"And-so-we-shall." Pietro whisked Fraud into his room.

"Joo're very fast." commented Fraud.

"Just-one-of-my-many-talents. But-not-why-you-wanted-to-see-me." Pietro announced.

"Joo're right again." Fraud was impressed.

"I-can-always-tell. The-lonely-look-in-the-eyes-is-a-dead-giveaway." said Pietro knowingly.

"Vhat is mein loonly look a dead giveavay oof?" asked Fraud.

"Why-your-problem-of-course! You-need-help-with-your-love-life!" Pietro declared.

"Zat's noonzense. I am very hoppy vit mein loove life!" exclaimed Fraud.

"Tsk-tsk. You-hafta-be-honest-in-these-sessions-Fraud. The-first-step-to-solving-your-problem-is-admitting-you-have-one." Pietro stated calmly.

"I DO NOOT HAV A PRUBLEM!" screamed Fraud.

"Yeah-that's-what-Lance-said-when-we-suggested-he-give-the-butt-the-boot." Pietro told him.

"I am nuttink like dat loonytik!" argued Fraud.

"Denial. That's-one-of-the-first-signs." Pietro said.

"Oh, it is not!" snapped Fraud.

Pietro ignored him. "Tell-me-Doc. What-were-you-like-as-a-child?" he asked.

"Vell, I vas a very playvul child. Alvays laffing, alvays hoppy and vait a minute! Who's ze doctor here?" Fraud cried.

"If-you-have-to-ask-it-isn't-you." Pietro replied.

"Zat's eet! Zis zession is ovuh!" yelled Fraud.

Pietro shrugged and opened the door. "And-I-thought-we-were-making-real-progress..."


	7. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER SEVEN

  
  


"How'd it go, Speedy?" Tabby asked.

"Most-people-would-consider-Fraud-beyond-help. But-I-Maximoff-the-Miracle-Worker-am-determined-to-mold-him-into-a-real-ladies-man. I've-had-plenty-of-success-stories-after-all. Why-just-think-of-all-the-things-I've-done-for-Lance's-relationships!" exclaimed Pietro.

"But all of your advice ruined Rocky's dates." Tabby reminded him.

"Details-details." Pietro dismissed these claims with a wave of his hand. 

Tabby giggled. "Remind me to tell Rocky that sometime."

"Why-not? I'm-not-afraid-of-Lance." boasted Pietro.

"Oh? What about the time you told him 'The Spirit of St. Louis' was a western flick? " teased Tabby.

"I-was-doing-it-for-his-own-good. It's-unhealthy-to-be-afraid-of-flying. And-besides-he-didn't-scare-me-he-surprised-me." Pietro argued.

"As soon as he stopped throwing up he started chasing you. You wound up running all the way from the theater to Canada." laughed Tabby.

"I-didn't-go-there-to-hide-if-that's-what-you're-thinking! I-went-because-I'd-always-wanted-to-see-Niagara-Falls." Pietro said hastily.

Tabby rolled her eyes. "Riiiight."

"No-really. Visiting-our-neighbor-to-the-North-has-always-been-my-lifelong-dream.." lied Pietro.

"Your lifelong dream was to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for juggling the most girlfriends and you already did it." Tabby pointed out.

Pietro smiled as he reminisced about that day. "Yeah. That-Arthur-Fonzarelli-is-such-an-amateur-when-compared-to-Pietro-the-Playa." 

Tabby sighed. "And you'd tell me all about it, but modesty forbids."

"How-true. Of-course-it's-hard-to-be-humble-when-you're-as-wonderful-as-I-am." said Pietro. "Have-I-ever-told-you-the-story-of-how-I-singlehandedly-saved-the-citizens-of..."

"I'd love to listen, Speedy, I really would. For- er, unfortunately it's my turn to visit with Fraud. Perhaps some other time..." and she made a mad dash for the doctor's office.

"Okay." Pietro looked slightly put out. He turned to Toad. "Wanna-hear-my-story?"

"No." said Toad.

Pietro ignored him and pressed on. "It-was-all-up-to-me. No-one-else-could-do-it. And-so-I-raced-through-the-town-yelling-'The-British-are-coming!'" he announced dramatically.

"Wasn't that Paul Revere?" Toad pointed out.

"Don't-interrupt!" snapped Pietro. "As-I-was-saying-General-Washington-awarded-me-a-medal-of-honor-for-my-heroic-endeavor."

"Cool. Can I see it sometime?" Freddy was obviously impressed.

"You can see it just as soon as he finishes shining it in his smithy, yo!" laughed Toad.

"You have a smithy, too?" Freddy asked in amazement.

Pietro was pleased to have finally found an audience. "Naturally! Why-do-they-think-they-call-me-Quicksilver?" he said smugly.

"Wow. That's unbelievable! Can I have your autograph?" begged Freddy.

'Unbelievable is right.' thought Tabby as she closed the door. "Hey Doc! I'm here!" she called out happily.

'Joost vhen I thought she vas a no-show.' sighed Fraud. "Velcome, Miss Smeeth.. Vhat vould joo like to discoos?" he wondered.

"It's doesn't matter. Whatever you want is fine with me." said Tabby.

'At last! A normal zession!' Fraud could hardly believe his luck. "Vunderbar! Vhat say ve begen by talkink aboot joo interact vit ze udder zootents, boys und girls, vriends und enemies."

"Sure thing. But before we begin, do you mind if I open a window?" she asked.

"Hokay." agreed Fraud. 'Aftuh all,' he reasoned 'vhat harm coold eet do?'

Tabby pried the window open and looked outside. Unfortunately for Fraud the first thing she saw was Kurt and... Amanda. 

"Amanda, joo're ze greatest. Thank yoo for coverink for me vhile I vent to get anudder Holovatch. I vunder vhat happened to the first vun." mused Kurt.

"Don't worry about it, Blue. I was glad to do it." Amanda told him.

"There you are, you two-timing traitor!" hollered Tabby.

Kurt gulped. "Tabby, I already told joo it vas over betveen us." he explained.

"I suppose you think you're something special, huh? Well, I don't need you. I've gotten a new boyfriend and he's much nicer that you." Tabby sneered.

"I don't see anyvun." Kurt taunted. "Vhat's his power, invisibility?"

"For your information, he's not a mutant. And he happens to be right here!" snapped Tabby. 

"Let's see this 'boyvriend' of joors, then." Kurt jeered. 

"C'mon, Kurt. We know she's lying." Amanda said.

"I'll show you who's a liar! Fraud, get over here!" barked Tabby.

"Vhat's goink on?" asked Fraud as Tabby grabbed him by the collar.

Kurt burst out laughing. "Zat's joor boyvriend? Isn't he a leetle old for joo?" he teased.

"I like mature men." she explained. "That's why I broke up with you."

"Joo broke up vit me? Hah! I'm the vun who dumped joo!" declared Kurt.

"In your dreams pal!" Tabby shot back.

"Maybe we should leave, Blue." suggested Amanda.

"Vhy? Ve're hafing sooch a loovely time." Kurt said with a laugh.

"We certainly are, right Darling?" and with that Tabby kissed Fraud's cheek.

"Ve're having foon too." Kurt put his arms around Amanda and hugged her.

"Well we're having the best time of all!" declared Tabby as she tackled Fraud.

"Miss Smeeth? Vhat are- mmppphh!" Fraud was unable to speak because Tabby had just given him a gigantic smooch.

"See?" Tabby laughed triumphantly as she help up a lipstick-stained Fraud.

"Ve shouldn't take dis, sveetie. Let's go!" announced Kurt.

"Fine by me." said Amanda. She gave his arm a little squeeze and accidently turned the image inducer off. "Oops."

Fraud stared at the blue-skinned boy. "Er, ve're not here right now. Please leave a message after ze bamf!" Kurt said as he and Amanda teleported away.

Fraud appeared to be dumbfounded. "Vas zat a blue demoon?" he demanded.

"Sounds like someone needs another smooch!" cried Tabby as she wrestled him to the ground.

Pietro opened the door. "Are-you-guys-almost-done? Toad's-getting-kinda-antsy-and-whoa! I-knew-you-had-it-in-you-Doc!" he commented upon surveying the scene.

  
  



	8. It Ain't Easy Being Green

COUCH POTATOES CHAPTER EIGHT

  
  


"Miss Smeeth! Control joorself!" Fraud struggled to push the blonde bombshell off his chest.

"Fine. You're a terrible kisser anyway." muttered Tabby as she stood up.

"What-did-I-tell-ya? Works-every-time!" Pietro declared.

Fraud groaned. "At least dis nightmarr ees ovuh."

"Are-you-kidding? You-still-haven't-seen-Toad!" Pietro pointed out.

"Joo mean dere's more of joo?" asked Fraud. "I don't tink I coon handle anudder vun."

Toad hopped towards Fraud. "What's up, Doc? Ready to start, yo?" he beamed eagerly.

"Sorry, Toady. Fraud doesn't want to do any more sessions." Tabby explained gently.

Toad bit his lip. "You mean I waited all this time for nuttin' yo? Oh, well. I guess I understand. It ain't the first time, yo. Nobody ever wants me around." sniveled Toad.

"I hope you're happy!" snapped Tabby. "You just made poor Toady cry!"

"I didn't mean to." Fraud looked uncomfortable.

"Yo, no one ever means to! They think that just because I'm a frosh, I don't got feelings!" Toad bawled.

"Dere dere. I had no idea. Eef it means dat mooch to joo, ve'll haf a meeting." said Fraud.

Toad blinked. "You mean it, yo? You wanna see me?"

"Ahbsolootly." Fraud lied.

Toad smiled. "Yeah! This is gonna rule, yo." he exclaimed.

"Er, boot first you moost promise me dis. No coonspiracy tearies, no seengink, no meedlink in mein loovelife, und no keezing, ja?" announced Fraud.

"Yo, it's a deal!" said Toad happily.

"Hokay. Let's go inside den." Fraud gestured to the empty office.

"Pretty sweet set-up, yo." Toad commented as he entered the room.

"Danke. I had foon dicoratink eet." said Fraud.

"Man, this place is nuttin' like our pad, yo. It's falling apart." Toad sighed wistfully.

"Dat's a shame. Joor parents ought to do sumtink aboot dat." suggested Fraud.

"My p-parents?" Toad began to cry again. "They didn't want me, yo! Nobody wants me."

"I'm zorry. I didn't know." apologized Fraud.

"Nobody's ever wanted me." continued Toad. "All my life I've been an outcast, yo"

"Joo seem like a nice boy to me." Fraud attempted to comfort Toad.

Toad ignored the doctor. "Even my friends treat me like dirt, yo. Just the other day Lance said he'd kill me!"

"Vell, that Alvuhs boy does zeem pretty oonstable. Did he say vhy?" Fraud asked gently.

"Oh, sumthin' bout using his guitar strings as dental floss. And I was only trying to do what they told me, yo. They said I oughtta clean my teeth, though I ain't sure why." explained Toad.

Fraud looked at Toad's yellowed teeth. "Ees a mistary to me." he said.

"Yo, me too. All the guys is like that. Tabby's always sayin 'Stay out of my room, you sewer rat!' You can imagine how that makes me feel, yo." Toad sighed heavily.

"Dat ees mad. Does Tabby talk to ze udders like dat?" he wondered.

"Sorta. She tells Pietro not to borrow her nail polish and she tells Freddy not to eat so much and she blackmails Lance into drivin' her to the mall but I'm the only one she tell to keep out of her room, yo!" grumbled Toad.

"Really?" Fraud seemed surprised. "Are you zure?"

"Well, maybe she does tell the others that, yo. But I'm the only one she calls sewer rat!" Toad insisted.

"Dooz she evuh call joor vriends names?" asked Fraud.

"Yo, I guess she does. But only when she's mad at 'em." argued Toad.

"I zee." Fraud said. "Are ze udders yoost as bad?"

"You better believe it, yo. Pietro's all 'Take a bath skunk-boy' and Freddy's always eating my lunch!" complained Toad.

"Do joo take baths?" Fraud asked, although judging by Toad's smell, he already knew the answer.

"No." Toad admitted.

"Und dooz Freddy ask before takink joor loonch?" wondered Fraud.

"Yo, I guess so." confessed Toad.

"And haf joor friends evuh helped joo out of trooble?" Fraud continued.

"Yo, we usually prefer to get in trouble, but yeah, they'll get me outta jams." said Toad.

"Vell dere joo are! Joor prublem is zolved." Fraud announced.

Toad looked puzzled. "It is?"

"Ja. Joo see, joo don't really haf a prublem. Udder dan hygiene, I mean. Joo have plenty of vriends who care aboot joo." explained Fraud.

"Weren't you listening, yo? I just finished telling you how no one likes me!" Toad yelled.

"Vell, ja. Dat ees vhat joo zaid, boot.." began Fraud.

"Yo, I can't believe it. Nobody likes me, and nobody listens." whined Toad.

Fraud sighed. "Vhy don't ve schedool anudder meetink?" he offered.

"Go on, abandon me, yo! Just like everyone else!" Toad snapped.

Fraud glanced at his wrist. "Vould joo look at ze time? Our zessions ovuh." he declared.

"You ain't wearing a watch, yo." Toad pointed out.

"Ja, vell, dat's vhy I gotta look at ze time. Now coom on, Mr. Tolansky. Ve'll talk again zoon. I look forvard to our next meetink." Fraud said with a very insincere smile.

Toad wasn't convinced. "Yo, I know you just don't want me around. I can take it. I'm used to being hated, yo." wailed Toad.

"Hokay. Dat's enuff of zat. Oot joo go." Fraud opened the door and was greeted by chaos.

Kelly had apparently just tracked Lance down as was screeching at him in the hallway. "How can you hotwire a car?" he demanded.

"It's a simply process, really." Lance told him. "All you need is..."

"I don't care how you did it!" roared Kelly.

"Then why didja ask?" Lance wondered.

"That's what I meant and you know it!" Kelly hollered.

"So now I can read minds, huh? Then my psychic powers tell me you're gonna me slide this time." said Lance.

"I most certainly will not!" spat Kelly.

"Oh, yes you will. I can feel it. It's going to come true." Lance announced.

"Got any more predictions, Rocky?" laughed Tabby.

Lance turned around and saw Fraud. "Yeah. I predict that all psychiatrists are involved in a massive government cover-up scheme involving mutants with incredible powers." he declared.

"Not joo again." groaned Fraud.

"Hey, cutie. Come back for more?" teased Tabby.

"Nah-he-wants-some-more-of-my-time-tested-tips-to-ensure-that-he-doesn't-end-up-a-dateless-loser-like-Kelly." Pietro explained.

"I think he came to give my lollipop." said Freddy.

"You're all wrong! The only thing he wants is to get away from me, yo!" sobbed Toad.

"Fraud, did you discover any treatments for these teens?" Kelly asked.

"Treatmint? Joo expict me to treat dese liddle mootents? Haf joo any idea vhat I've been through?" hissed Fraud.

"Well, let's see. I've only been their principal this semester, so naturally I have no idea what they're like." Kelly snapped.

"Doon't talk to me like dat joo stoofed shirt! I'm seeck und tired of joo bossink me around. Joo've been a totel jerk since ve first met!" yelled Fraud.

"Well what about you Mister Put On A Happy Face? Always prancing around like Merry Sunshine with your sickeningly sweet way of looking at the world. 'My eet's zuch a loovely day. I act like I'm living in a liddle gumdroop house oon Lollipop Laaane.'" countered Kelly.

"Where is my lollipop, anyway?" Freddy wondered.

"Oh yeah, Mistuh Cynik? Maybe if joo stopped growlink at evervun joo meet joo might finally haf vriends." Fraud shot back.

"You mean like that stupid puppet of yours?" laughed Kelly.

"Mistuh Socky ees not stoopid!" shouted Fraud.

"Maybe not, but you are!" Kelly yelled.

"Dat's it. I don't haf to stay here,joo know." hollered Fraud. "I kvit."

"Good riddance, you loony! And before you start treating other people you might want to solve your own emotional problems." Kelly called after him.

"Und joo might vant to get a operashun and haf dat steeck removed from joor butt." bellowed Fraud as he stormed off.

"Oh, oh yeah?" Unable to think of an appropriate retort, Kelly marched to his office and slammed the door shut.

The Brotherhood simply stood there in shock. Even Pietro was unusually quiet. At last Toad broke the silence. "Yo, that was pretty awesome." he said. "I can't believe he quit."

"Wonder-why." joked Pietro. Tabby, Toad, and Freddy laughed.

Lance looked thoughtful. "Too bad." he commented "He was just startin' to grow on me."

  
  


THE END

  
  


Author's Note: How bout that? I actually kept a promise and completed this fic! *attempts to pat self on back and hears odd cracking noise. That can't be good...* Tell you what. Why don't you guys write a review while I go call my chiropractor. Ciao! =^-^=


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